November 15, 2014

Home is where the heart is

Despite me freaking out about my conversation with my company doctor... I took some big steps. I can feel the change.. and it makes me very nervous... but it is with mixed feelings because I'm also proud of myself.

+ We started cleaning my apartment.
+ I bought some new things for my home. 
+ I spent there an afternoon by myself which was very emotional and therapeutic.
+ Even though I do not live there yet, I had my boss over at my place for tea.
+ Saw my company doctor and explained why I freaked out over our last appointment and he totally understood. He also said I should continue to work on these steps I'm taking. But that I'm not fit for work yet. So for now I'm trying to focus on moving back home, trying to enjoy life more... be more stable.
+ Sold all of my Christmas postcards in my Etsy shop.
+ I had lunch with an old colleague.
+ Spent some time with my sister; shopping, tea time, lunch etc. 
+ My colleague and his 2 year old son visited me.
+ I really enjoy swap-bot! You can't buy happiness but you can swap?!

- I still feel very emotional and cry about really silly things. 
- I am overwhelmed by almost everything.
- I panic when I have to make appointments or have to add structure and rhythm to my life. 
- I'm having doubts whether the 30 mg antidepressants are enough. I have to discuss this with my psych in December.
- I sometimes cross my boundaries and I end up feeling really exhausted. 

+ Despite living at my parents' place for two years my home still feels like home

October 21, 2014

Stormy head

So I come here to write about the bad days and today is one of them. Which means prior I had a couple of pretty great days; I visited my colleague's farewell party (which was a HUGE step) for me, I had another colleague and his son visiting me yesterday, I also spent some time with my sister interior shopping and eating ice cream which is always good. But today... is crap.

Last week I talked to my psychiatrist and he is a very nice man. He gets it. Which is nice. Although he has a Lego lunch box. He explained a little more about how the anti-depressants work and such. I have another appointment in six weeks. Until then we see how it goes... But I'm not climbing this mountain without any bumps in the road... that's what he told me. It's completely normal that I still face bad days. To be honest I think I'd freak out if I didn't had any after everything I've been through. He also said, I react the way I do to certain situations, because of what happened to me. I don't have enough 'leverage' to respond in a way I would normally do.

My company doctor told me to spend more time socializing, replace cancer by fun stuff. If only it were that easy. But he also gave me another compliment that I'm doing great even though it might not always feel like this. He said, "Six months ago I couldn't even have a proper conversation with you and here we are talking and laughing."  He wrote down he wants me to work on my physical condition and that I should spend some time at my own place. By giving me these 'orders' I totally freaked out of course... because I feel I have to do this my way, in my own time.

But hey last week we started cleaning my apartment. After two years I have to say... it IS necessary. My parents are helping me with this, and when we're done, perhaps I can spend some time at my cute little place by myself. We see how it goes. When I'm ready. I should do this my way. My way. Or the fucking high way.

I bought myself the new iPhone 6 plus, very happy with it! Also got my matching sport band so I can start walking again. If it ever stops raining that is!

So for the last couple of days I sort of had these moments were I feel dizzy for just a second. Not when I get up, but more when I sit or stand still. It's weird. The hypochondriac awakes... definitely do not trust my body. I mean I was confronted with my own mortality at age 30, this is just... well obviously you think the worst. But then again you don't want to jump to these conclusions after all the treatment you have been through and well, you don't want any more doctors or fucking scans... so what to do? I know it's probably the medication causing this and I will bring it up next time I speak to one of my doctors. If shit hits the van and it becomes worse I will see my home doctor. But for now I just have to believe I'm okay. Okay. 

Once again the weather fits my mood. It has been raining and feels a bit stormy all day long. Lets aim for a better day tomorrow!

October 4, 2014

Changing colour

So it's been a while, Hello October. In case you were wondering, I'm ignoring Breast Cancer Awareness month. Call it denial. Whatever. I am so done with that shit.

As for the running part... that didn't go as planned. Wow nothing does go as planned did you notice?! Better all let it go and see what happens... So I ended up with some serious knee ache and decided it was better to quit for now. I cried a lot because of the quitting part yes. Because I finally had found something that made me feel normal, and not like a patient. Something that felt so good... and wow my body could handle it. Guess not. So I am not giving up on this... but for now it's back to walking. Today I walked my first 5K. It was pretty good... the music, nature, just me, myself & I... at fast pace.

I'm still experimenting with the anti-depressants. I am now on 30 mg. Because after a few weeks things were back to normal (in other words: lots of crying). But I can't really say the 30 mg is making me feel a hell of a lot better. Don't get me wrong I have good days, but it's still a struggle sometimes. I know with anti-depressants you have to give it a few weeks.. so that's what I'm going to do... and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist in a week or so.

What else, what else? I saw my radiologist which brought back lots of bad memories. Radiation treatment. The dressing room, autumn, walking through that hallway with my upper body undressed. So I try to do what my psychologist says, I let myself think about it... for a while... let it flow. Then I tell myself, you are here now, no treatment whatsoever. You're okay. And then I try to move on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I suppose it takes practise, but I kinda think that is the way to approach these triggers.

Next week I will have my Zoladex injection. But it's the last one this year. 

I have been keeping myself pretty busy with penpalling, snail mail, mail art, mail swaps, etc, etc. I enjoy it a lot! I also have been working on Christmas postcards for my Etsy store, they are already available if you want to check them out!

I also had my second hair cut! It really is growing and my curls are sooo coming back! I also have a pair of new specs which I really love. I have started to buy some new autumn/winter clothes as well. Which feels good. Ah and I also gained some weight. Hallelujah!

September 4, 2014

Blue sapphire

He said, " You really are different from last time I saw you. The problems seem to have less control over you, it is more like... you have taken back control."

That's what my company doctor said. He was quite happy with my progress (remember: progress = progress no matter how small). But I took some steps, made some decisions. Here I am, voilĂ  it's September.

So let me start with that horrible physiotherapy training. I quit. I did it, I finally decided it wasn't for me. Thanks to Ashley who reminded me there are 100 ways to climb a mountain.

The only thing it did give me was enough confidence to put on my running shoes and just go for it. Before I got sick I used this app called Get Running and I really liked it so I am using it again. You can find more information about it here. Basically it's a Couch-to-5K running plan, but I will start running twice a week instead of three. I will take it slow. Let my body get used to it. But fuck hey, I'm doing it. My first run... was very emotional. Because I was thinking of the horror my body went through... and now I was here all of a sudden... fresh air, beautiful nature, wind in my HAIR! I really cried my eyes out when I got home. It was good. A milestone I would think.

I always do some yoga stretches after my run. If you're interested, I follow exactly this routine. I try to do some other exercises for my upper body through the week, low key, whenever I feel like it. No pressure. First priority is: running. Because it is something I like and I think I really could benefit from this mentally as well.

But I made another decision after talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist... I was going to give the anti-depressants another go. So I made this long list for my psychiatrist and he was pretty cool and understanding about everything. I am still seeing my psychologist every three weeks and it's nice talking to a woman. But this dude, well he gets me. Which is good I think when somebody prescribes you medication. I have been taking it for almost a week now... I think I feel a little more calm, a little less emotional... more steady? Of course it is way too early to tell how this will work in the long run. But at least I'm not freaking out or feeling like a zombie (it happens, been there.. done that). So I think we're on the right track with this as well. Which made me cry as well. Weird eh? I have been feeling so much pain and heartache... now I finally get a little bit of fresh air... As if I'm taking a deep breath... and I cried because I didn't have to cry.

So all and all that sounds pretty good and uplifting doesn't it? I don't expect miracles all of a sudden.. but at least there's improvement. I expect more bad days, but I know the sun will shine as well! 

August 20, 2014

Heavy emotional baggage

While the rest of the world seems busy with their ice buckets I have been struggling on the treadmill and lifting weights. Heavy.

So this whole physiotherapy training thing isn't really going well. Physically, I can handle it. But I absolutely hate the place, how it makes me feel being there. The confrontation. The commitment freaks me out. So mentally... I'm not doing too good. I cry before I have to go there, and I cry when I come home. I don't expect people to understand this, but I can't help myself, it's how I feel. I try to tell myself this is going to help me recover. I try to look at it in a positive way. But I'm not feeling it.

So last time I was there the question we all have been waiting for popped up. One of the women asked me why I was there. We were waiting for the rest to show up... so I told her I had breast cancer and was treated for a year and half. She was in shock and well never would have guessed I was 30+. It was very emotional, telling my story to a stranger.

Then the physiotherapist AGAIN told me it would probably be better if I came twice a week. This time I felt like he was really pushing me. So I felt like crying right away. But of course I didn't in a room filled with sweaty, heavily breathing old people. But I can't go there twice a week, I can barely handle once a week!

Then one of this old blokes, he tried to grab my attention before but I ignored it, asked me what was wrong with me as well. Well I felt really uncomfortable this time and told him I was sick for a year and a half and that I was trying to get back in shape. He wanted to know more but I told him I'd rather not talk about it. Which felt good. So yay me!

I talked about it with my parents... and next week I will have another physiotherapist so I will give it another go. But if this thing is making me upset and unhappy it's not going to work I suppose and I might quit. I have to admit I got upset about this as well (OMG I get upset over ANYTHING, get it now?!) and it makes me feel like a loser. Like I can't handle it. Like I'm not doing the right thing... Afraid people are going to say but you do want to recover right?! But maybe this is just not the way for me. We all have to follow our own path I suppose. We'll see. I'm just happy I can talk to my parents about these things and they really understand and help me so much.

Perhaps it also has something to do with what my colleague's husband told me. He went through ten years of cancer treatment himself and he told me to kick my butt and get back to work. I was flabbergasted. His words really hurt me. Obviously he was speaking from his own experience... and has no clue about my story or the person that I am. His story made me sad but once again this proves you can not compare cancer to cancer. Or people with people. Fucker. He even told me I was spoiled for still living with my parents. I mean hello... don't you think I'd rather be living at home with my sweet bunnies all by myself if I could?! Argh.

Talked to my psych about some of the positive things (yes yes). I visited work, I had colleagues coming over with their dog. Or their 2 year old boy. I have been busy with my Etsy shop. A Vespa ride with dad to a farm. Lots of outgoing and incoming snailmail. I met with my pregnant friend and her 3 year old daughter. Even though some of these things are very hard for me... I also sincerely enjoy it and it feels good to be able to connect with people again. Because I feel so god damn lonely sometimes.

The only thing that bothered me about the psych is that I told her about my new blog and that I wanted a place to blog about happy things. She said why couldn't you do that on this blog? Because, she said, I should not forget it's all the same, it's all me. WTF?! You think I'll forget that?! I know cancer will always be a part of my life... and I'm not ignoring that. I just want this blog to be informative for people who are going through the same thing and not having to deal with a post about pimping an Ikea cabinet. There.

Something nice to finish. I have been looking for new glasses. Which is a big deal! A new look! I found lovely brown specs... but they have to come all the way from Denmark so I'll have to wait a few weeks probably. 

August 3, 2014

Rain grows flowers

Just before I went to sleep last night I checked my phone and stumbled upon this message on facebook about people with a lumpectomy that did have a reoccurrence. 

Try getting some sleep then. 

I actually realized that I haven't been thinking that much about reoccurrence. I think I have that hidden somewhere deep down inside of me and I don't want to think about it. But last night that door was set open.Wide open.

It totally freaked me out. What would happend if I had to relive my worst nightmare all over again?

Forever and always my biggest fear will be that my cancer may return. 

So there I was in the middle of the night. A silent, yet paralyzing fear that I felt in my soul, in my bones and heart. Creeping and crawling. I told myself I was okay and kept repeating that.

I stood infront of my window, trying to get some fresh air. Without my glasses the world looked so blurry and dark. As a photographer what do you do when life looks blurry through the viewfinder? You adjust your focus.

It's weird how everything seems worse at night. Because I don't want to feel like that again. I have been disappointed by people as well. Cancer is isolation and loneliness. 

But hey who's in charge here? It's little ol' me. I need to make some changes. Some decisions that are good for me. Be selfish with myself.

Because if a certain person/website/board/social media/... or whatever it is that is making you feel bad... it is time to cut them out

Simple as that. 

I am going to focus on things that make me happy. Sweet people that are loyal and true and are helping me to feel better. Love is stronger than fear. So I am going to try and love really hard. 

I know I already took some small steps... I want to fill my heart with what is important to me and be done with the rest. Starting another blog where I write about other things than my disease is one of them. You can check it out here: Tea with Bunnies.  

Courage, dear heart. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Be happy with what you have, while working for the things you want. Time and patience are your best friends.

July 31, 2014

Sporty spice

Yes I had a couple of days that were pretty okay. I think my psych now realizes she inspires me more when she encourages me and gives me confidence. So even though our conversations emotionally drain me, I would like to think they will help me in the future.

I actually think that people around me started to notice I might be doing a little bit better. Maybe I am scared to admit it, because another bad day is peeking around the corner. But that's because my depression is still overshadowing everything. My psych says, even that person, the one I feel is lost... is still in there. Deep down. You don't lose your core. Everything I do, or feel, my entire being... has been taken over by depression.

At first I didn't believe that because I am having good days as well! But you can be depressed and have a good day! Such an eye opener for me!  You can wake up extremely sad and emotional and go to bed that same day feeling pretty okay. These mood swings are just another sign of depression. I never knew, I never realized this. I think accepting this, and embracing it, letting it be... is the first step in healing.

Now that we're talking about taking steps. I went to this physiotherapist that specialises in people being sick and wanting to get back in shape. I have to admit our first conversation wasn't a great one. His phone kept ringing... and hello I am sitting here telling you a fucking painful story! But I decided I came this far, I bought a new comfy sporty outfit, so let's do this. Still I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to our first appointment. Which was today.  

So I always hated all of these fitness machines. That is why I always loved dance, yoga & running. But now I can officially say I walked on a treadmill. I did some exercises on a huge ball. Which was awkward. I also spent some time on the... cycle hometrainer thingie. There were so many old people, but I didn't really care about that. My physiotherapist was more in his element in this room than he was during our conversation. So that was okay I guess.

But it feels like such a big commitment. I want to feel better. I want to feel less tired. I want my head to have some peace. This whole thing is such big deal to me and it's very upsetting. Because I am 32 and I have to train with all these golden oldies. Because of all the crazy treatment and medication that fucked up my body and mind. But this is new to me. I am not good at that right now, dealing with a new environment, new people, commitment. All I can hope for is that it will make me feel better at some point. That it will give me some confidence! Perhaps that I find some joy or satisfaction?

July 12, 2014

Here comes the story of the hurricane

Everyone has a story to be told. Sometimes struggle is part of that story.

How do you feel about your home? Is it your home sweet home? Did you decorate it, picked out the furniture and the colours? Do you have lots of happy memories that make you smile. Do you picture yourself growing old in that little corner in the world that is yours. Because after all, there is no place like home?

Now picture a hurricane totally destroying that same house. Everything you built is gone, destroyed. Not just the outside but on the inside as well. Every little detail that once made you feel safe... is now gone.

That is cancer.

Exactly two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was a big fucking hurricane. So no this is not a cancerversary because I hate that word. Treatment might be over, but I'm still stuck in the middle of this crazy dystopian story. Trying to pick up and dust off, some of the pieces. A hurricane leaves quite the mess. That place, that used to be so solid, is now trembling. It is still burning. No longer do I recognize it. So lost and confused, where to begin?

Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. It is an emotional struggle. I read last year's post and realized I have come a long way. I am not where I want to be... but I will one day. Progress is progress, no matter how small. I think I finally feel/understand that now.

For a year and a half my life was all about getting through treatment. These days I embrace my good days, and as for the bad days I try to let them be. They say grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

July 8, 2014

Because there is still good stuff

July. Wow. What has happened to the concept of time? Crazy.

So I talked to my psych again today. It was a good one. I think. She complimented me on the small steps I have been taking over the last couple of weeks. Which felt really good. I really need inspiring, encouraging people in my life right now. I know I have to find back my confidence, and I have to do it myself. But sometimes these little things can set your mood. They can change your day and turn it into a better one.

So I told her I finally understand that I am depressed. I also told her I want to talk to the psychologist after his vacation about medication. I haven't said yes to the meds yet, but a conversation wouldn't hurt anyone.

So I still have my bad days and I feel lots of sadness inside of me. But here's a list of my little projects that might not mean much to you but for me are big steps into the right direction:

-I bought a ladder book case for my house. I have collected so much stuff and now I finally have a place to display everything! Although I still live with my parents it feels good knowing one day I'll be back on my own. When I'm ready.

-I bought an Ikea Moppe cabinet and turned it into a 'Pimp Moppe' project. I decorated the drawers with cute flower paper.

-I bough this simple pin board and turned it into a card holder/memory board. It looks so pretty and nice and I'm in love with it.

-I did start my 'One Line A Day' journal on the first of July. A few lines before I go to sleep. Empty the head.

-I have been working really hard on my Etsy store and I was able to sent off packages to England, Germany, France and The Netherlands. So proud of this!

-I love working on my Wreck This Journal, it so much fun and a great distraction! 

-I finally made an appointment at the dentist! I have been putting it off for so long.

-I love drawing and painting in my art journal.  Okay I think I basically like all kinds of craft. Could that be possible?

-Snuggling with the baby bunnies! 

-Postcrossing, snailmail, penpals... a filled mailbox makes me happy as well!

-I love nature, taking a walk... I love the green, summer, the pond with duckies. 

-I was so against it, but now I really love my Kobo e-reader. It is such a nifty little 'book'.

-Thrifting! I love finding treasures! Whether it's vinyl or a cute porcelain little bunny.

-Instagram addict. 'Nuff said.


June 24, 2014

Acceptance

Hello I am Ciel and I'm depressed.

So remember that my last conversation with my psych didn't really go so well and she only made me feel worse? Well we talked about that... and at first she pulled out, what I feel like were some psych tricks... but then we set things right. She explained what she meant. I told her how I interpreted her words. I think we're fine now. Except that she wants me on meds again. Again I told her no. I want to give myself a few more months to see if I can do this on my own and if not then perhaps I will talk to the psychiatrist again about medication. But seriously, I'd rather not.

Yesterday I saw my company doctor. I spent 30 minutes in his office and we had an interesting conversation. UVW came through and they are now my safety net, so I do not have to worry about money. Which is good. But my company doctor made it very clear to me that I am depressed. He actually said, "You are sick in the head". Which is completely normal, he added, after everything you have been through. But still, he thinks I need to accept my depression like I have accepted my cancer and my treatment. He has a point there.

Because I have been telling everybody I'm mentally not doing so great. That I'm emotional, vulnerable, unstable, sad, angry... but no not depressed. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's not like I should be ashamed of this and I think I have proven I am a strong person by now. So why oh why do I not want to label myself as depressed.

The answer is I don't know. Perhaps my psych can show some light on that next time. The thing is, I am starting to doubt (fucking cancer took away my confidence) whether or not I should be taking any meds. I've tried them twice before, unsuccessfully a.ka. big disaster. Something I never ever want to experience again. But with the right kind of meds... I also understand things might be a little bit easier for me. Am I torturing myself while this is totally unnecessary?

This whole sick in the head reminded me right away of a song. It's by (Keith) Mina Caputo. Who's music has been in my life for over ten years. She actually contacted me the other day on Instagram, posting one of my photos and I also got a message on facebook which means the world to me! What a kind soul, such pure music. That goes straight to my heart. Especially now that it feels a little broken.

 Pure heart and soul, the treasures I own
Where did you go and how have you grown?
I'm sick in the head in a number of ways
I recommend a psychotherapist to clean up your brain

So I don't know, I think I'll wait for my next appointment with the psych and discuss everything again and see how I feel then. Gotta let it go for now.

Now to focus my mind on something else I bought Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and I can recommend it to anyone! I am having lots of fun with it and it really is inspiring and creative in a unique way. I am also considering buying One Line A Day by Chronicle books. Which is a five year memory book. Right now besides this blog I don't keep a paper journal or something like that. Just my art journal. So this seems like a nice therapeutic book to start writing again. 

I also figured it was time to give my photography another chance, so I set up a Facebook page you can now like. Or you can even buy postcards in my Etsy store! Yay!